Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
