I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don't tell me you're on acid again
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
