So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize