his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
