If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
