i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
