Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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