My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
