test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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