Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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