some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
