4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
