That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
