Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
