I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
