He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
