Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
