i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
