Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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