You smell like a Billy Joel song
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
