All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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