I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
