Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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