just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
