you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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