Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize