I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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