"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
