chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
bring money and cleavage
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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