The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize