o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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