John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
