why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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