i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
