This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
