I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
