I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
