What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
