either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Randomize
