god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
