I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
