I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
