Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
