I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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