the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
