I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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