I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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