Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
