Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
