if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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