Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize