I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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