Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
