Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
