I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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