How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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